The NFL Draft for Lions Fans

Editor’s note: I realize that there may no longer exist ‘Detroit Lions fans.’

The central point of the NFL draft is to improve your team.  Remarkably, not so for the Lions brass.  They (the Detroit Lions ‘management’) use the draft as a small opportunity to celebrate the greatest time of the year for them.

The absolute pinnacle of the entire year is upon them from the time when the commissioner says, ‘The Detroit Lions are on the clock,’ until he says, ‘with their selection, the Detroit Lions draft, from…’

I estimate that time frame to be no longer than 10 minutes.  Just long enough for them to pop the cork, pour a few glasses of champagne, make a toast, and then decide which young man’s football career they are going to ruin.

Coincidentally, when the Lions draft, it is also a great time for the teams drafting before and after them.  Their predecessors will always have their selection look great in comparison.  Those following the Lions also begin to celebrate when Detroit is on the clock because it is a certainty that the Lions will never ’steal’ the player they were hoping to obtain.

Now, while Millen’s Mess Makers are lighting cigars, Lions fans are glued to their TV sets – foolishly.  They are listening to ESPN commentators review the last pick and forecast Detroits’ pending debacle.  For anyone who has never met a Lions’ fan, they will be the ones muttering ‘Not another wide receiver!’ with equal encouragement and uncertainty.

Editor’s note 2: After the winter that we’ve just endured, if you are voluntarily indoors on a Saturday afternoon watching old men talk about young physically fit men, you have big problems.

Why is that pre-draft time period the high point of the ‘Lions management’s’ season? Simple.  During that duration, the team has not lost a fumble, a game, or (most importantly) a disgusted season – ticket holder (yes, there are still some).  They are immune from the criticism that fans and media will pile on.  Optimism is in the air.  Could another Barry Sanders land in their lap?

Here’s where that important 10 minutes come in to play for everyone else.  You can use that time frame to do something minuscule, yet productive.  Pour Drano down a clogged pipe.  Take out trash.  Go through your kids drawers to make sure that they aren’t doing drugs.  Whatever.  The point being that your good efforts will offset the unintentional bad efforts of Henry Ford’s descendants, and thereby making you feel good about how you spent your Saturday afternoon.

Furthermore, you’ll feel good because you won’t have a hangover from drinking the kool-aid, uh, champagne.

 

Round 2 NHL Picks:

Detroit over Colorado in 5

Dallas over San Jose in 6

The Montreal Vandalism Causers lose in 7.

The Rangers advance in 7.

 

2008 NBA Play-off Preview

Finally, the last aspect of April’s incredible sports month gets underway! And so should my predictions (in no particular order, with no particular format, with no particular foundation upon which to gamble).  To keep this ‘Canadian,’ I will throw a hockey reference in each match-up.  Also, as an added bonus, I will provide a confidence rating for your reading enjoyment.

Utah vs Houston: The NBA’s western conference is so strong this year.  And remember when The Simpsons was practically unmissable? This series reminds me of when The Simpsons was in its heyday and this is an episode about ‘Lisa doing what’s right.’  The series will be good, but not fully enjoyable.  Tracy McGrady isn’t really likable so he doesn’t garner sympathy support.  Utah is as exciting as a pamphlet about mufflers, so no one wants to watch them longer than we must.  In fact, (here it comes hockey fans) the Jazz conjure up the same sentiment as the New Jersey Devils.  You know what I just realized? The Houston Rockets, New Jersey Devils and Toronto Raptors all have Red, White and Black as the colours in their uniforms.  Shouldn’t the Rockets and Raptors be forced to re-incorporate yellow and purple just to stay unique? Ugh, these predictions are not starting well for me, just like they won’t for Houston.  Utah sweeps. <Confidence meter: 8.1>

New Orleans vs Dallas:  Conversely, I hope this one goes the distance.  Think of all the point guards that Jason Kidd has played against in his career, and in his twilight, he has to face Chris Paul.  Oooh.  Now that I think about it, I am amazed that Gary Bettman didn’t put an NHL team in New Orleans.  How did he sidestep that landmine? If he had expanded/relocated the Maple Leafs there, and Katrina hit right after the lockout, it would have been the perfect storm of terrible commissioner decisions.  The Big Easy in 6. <Confidence meter: 6.7>

LA Lakers vs Denver: Everyone has the Lakers winning this series in a cakewalk.  Coloradoians will turn their attention to a hockey team featuring a former Hart Trophy winner who now resembles a Third World Robot (Peter Forsberg).  Seriously, I think the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz looked smoother on the Yellow Brick Road 65 years ago.  Now watch him torch the Red Wings in OT like he did in game 5 in 2002.  I digress.  The Lakers win in 5 after Iverson reminds everyone that he still has gas in the tank.  Oh yeah, and Kobe may hear some play-off booing in Denver.  Maybe. <Confidence gauge: 109.78 I really, really, think this will happen.  For sure.>

San Antonio vs. Phoenix: Wow.  This is a first round match-up? I want Phoenix to win so badly, but I can not get past that nerd Manu Ginobili.  There’s gotta be some upset somewhere, and San Antonio has to be starting to get tired after so many play-off games this decade…uh oh, I’m making a ‘hope’ prediction: Phoenix in 7 big ones! By the way, I am moving this week, which means I am getting cable installed, and therefore my awesome wife selected the ‘unlimited sports/movies’ channels for the bonus trial period.  Imagine flipping from this series, to the western conference hockey games, to the 72, 809th running of the ‘You can’t handle the truth’ scene from A Few Good Men? (Wow does that movie look different since Keifer did ‘24′ and Cruise hopped on Oprah’s couch). <CM: 2.13>

And in the East…

Celtics will sweep the Hawks.  Since I am mentioning Boston here, I am going to touch on Bill Simmons’ (of ESPN.com) MVP (Kevin Garnett) column from last week.  To review, some of the reasons that Bill listed for KG winning it include: his dad was able to sell his Celtics’ tickets in 4 minutes, KG blocks shots after the whistle has blown, and KG is a great cheerleader in blow-outs.  Hmmm.  Great MVP criteria.  At least he and I agree that Boston sweeps.  And the Bruins are sure making the Habs sweat, aren’t they? <Scale of Confidence: 85>

Vancouver over Milwaukee: This would be my choice because I like mountains on the coastline, not mountains on the waistline.

Cleveland vs Washington:  I’m saying ‘Go Wiz,’ when I realized that my son is a few months away from potty training, thus this phrase could get heavy usage in ‘08.  I’ve said this before, but history shows that Cleveland isn’t a city that shows up following a strong previous season.  What happened after that 1997 Indians run? How about when the Browns made the post-season in 2002?  What about when the Cleveland Barons steamrolled there way to…forget it.  I mean, is Bob Feller still the grand marshal for Cleveland’s ‘Champions Parade?’ I will give Washington credit for making this series interesting from the outset.  Too often though, Brendan Haywood and Antawn Jamieson come across as the first two henchmen to fall when the hero starts ‘takin’ no prisoners.’  LeBron James has been known to ‘take no prisoners’ at times.  Cleveland in seven. <H.M.C.S. Confidence lands in Port 79.5>

Toronto vs Orlando: I have tried to figure out a way that Toronto can win this series a thousand times.  Too often though, I’m forced to say ‘if,’ before my explanation – that’s never a good launching pad.  So here it is in a nutshell: Toronto must steal one of the two first games in Orlando, get sustained excellent play from Andrea Bargnani, and dig in their heals for a long, physical series.  I think people underrate Jameer Nelson, and he could get the job done if the Raps’ point guard situation gets ugly.  Oh, and Hedo the Turk is having a pretty sweet season.  Orlando in seven.  <CM 50%>

Detroit and Philadelphia: Do you know what it is like watching Detroit? It reminds me of when you are rushing around a grocery store (just before it closes) and you have to get some very specific things for your baby, only when you get to the baby food aisle, all of the boxes are nicely stacked but the French label is facing you.  Your hands can be full, or your kid can be whining and wanting to run away, but you have to try to translate ‘Iron enriched formula for babies aged 3-9 months who can digest huckleberries.’  You know you can spin the box and read the other side.  Or you can even read French.  Or you can just get the box that’s the same colour as the one you ran out of 10 minutes ago when you left the house.  It is more difficult than it had to be.  Voila your Pistons.  They win in 6 when it should be a sweep.  At least their bench will get more minutes.  Since I’m outta hockey references, Detroit beat Phily for the Cup over a decade ago (wow that was weak).  <El Meterro di Confidencia: 90>.

Feedback, as always, is welcome.

Ah, April

A final few words about the Toronto Marlies NHL affiliate. With the exception of Vesa Toskala (he himself not too long removed from being a back-up in the superior western conference), the pros are 90% replaceable. Other NHL captains grew up with posters of Wayne Gretzky and Bobby Orr on their walls. I suspect that the Leafs’ current ‘C’ has a poster of Jesper Parnevik. The youth in their line-up merely gobbles minutes and has yet to show that it possesses even one individual with one distinguishable, invaluable skill. The defence corps ranges from ‘injured’ to ‘porous.’ The forwards? They did themselves a favour by taking ‘08 off so as not to qualify for the post-season.

I mean, imagine what Cliff Fletcher was thinking right after the Maple Leafs hired him to be their Mr. Fix It GM. He was given a second chance to make a big difference to Toronto’s most historic team. He probably thought he was the cavalry – I mean, he arrived from Phoenix, which is in the desert after all. Then no one waived their no trade clause. And they didn’t make the play-offs. And they are drafting seventh. Fletcher must have felt like Ellis from Die Hard right after he walked into Hans Gruber’s office. One minute, you’re the hero riding in on a white horse, the next minute you’re yelling into a walkie-talkie while everyone is waiting for your, um, contract to expire.

Heading in to the NHL play-offs, one of the big stories was whether or not rookie Carey Price will be able to help the Habs win the Stanley Cup. Another storyline focused on how much momentum will carry over to the post season for the Washington Capitals. Well, imagine if those Capitals go to the Stanley Cup final, or win it? Suddenly the stories become, ‘Why did Bob Gainey let Cristobel Huet leave?’ and ‘Imagine if Toronto had hired Bruce Boudreau to coach?’ It wasn’t as if he was an unknown to the Maple Leafs. Boudreau was a Toronto Marlie in 1977.

I think that it is safe to say that the notion that a (semi) retired star can return to a team with a fraction of the season remaining and help them (significantly) in the post season is wrong. Roger Clemens and now the duo in Anaheim (Neidermayer and Selanne) along with Peter Forsberg are all evidence of that. Barry Bonds buyers beware.

Carlos Boozer wears number 5. Chris Bosh wears 4. Caron Butler 3. And Chauncey Billups 1. Is there a ‘Team CB #?’ or is Bosh the only one who calls himself by his initials and number? I don’t think George Blaha calls Billups ‘CB1.’ The only missing number is 2. The closest one I could think of was Corey Brewer, 22.

Maybe Orlando isn’t the only magical kingdom in Florida. Both the Heat and Lightning have recently won a championship, retained their stars and head coach, and finished an abysmal season. Now they will get an excellent young draft selection and not a hint of the Canadian winter. That works out nicely.

Congratulations on 1000 shows Jimmy Kimmel. You’ve come a long way from playing ‘Client in Commercial’ in 2002’s Like Mike, to late night talk show success

I recently saw a preview of a Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino movie called Righteous Kill. Throughout the trailer, it used the Rolling Stones song, Sympathy for the Devil . Am I correct in that 10 years ago, another Al Pacino movie, The Devil’s Advocate, used that same song? Either way, the film looks good. Even if it sounds a bit sympathetic.

And staying on that theme, remember 1996’s Trainspotting? Well, over a decade later and Disney is using ‘Lust for Life,’ a prominent song on that film’s soundtrack, to promo its cruise lines. What could be less Disney than a dirty Scottish toilet, heroine use, and Iggy Pop? Plus, Jim Rome’s radio show uses that tune for its opening. Rome is on ESPN radio, which is owned by ABC, which is owned by Disney. Rome’s demographic is 18 to 40 year-old males. So this music tie-in sets up an interesting scenario. Guys fantasize about grabbing a bandanna, and drinking 87 cent Mexican beers while playing cards in hut off a beach in Equador, but their wives are packing golf shirts and buying plane tickets to Orlando.

Any young fathers out there? Get yourself an NBA wristband. Nothing works better to wipe the corners of your kids mouth with so little hassle.

So, we can pretty much draw a perfect parallel between Britney Spears and this year’s Ottawa Senators. The Sens began with a record setting start. Then they churned out a regular season that was fine, but replete with warning signs galore. The post season has been a punchline. The off season is filled with so many ‘What ifs’ that I wouldn’t blame anyone (media, coaches, players, fans) if they just backed away quietly.

Montreal is joining the MLS. They are calling the new soccer team, Montreal FC. Shouldn’t it be CF Montreal because of the way that the French make everything backwards? Insert accent anywhere. Personally, I think Vancouver should field a team and call themselves the Vancouver Manouver.

More football…the upcoming April 26th draft presents an annual fascinating moment for one team – the Detroit Lions. In the moment before the Lions draft, they enjoy the best time of their year. At this time, they have not lost a fumble, a game or a season. They temporarily hault criticism. Optimism abounds. Before they say a name, they haven’t ruined a young man’s pro career, or given fans and observers ammunition. It is a brief, but enjoyable moment for the Lions brass. The entire year is not as nice for the Lions for the time between when the host says, ‘Detroit is on the clock,’ to when he says, ‘With their selection, Detroit takes…’ I bet the champagne is already on ice.

Already missing college basketball? Here’s a nice reminder