Week 16 NFL Picks

Here we have my week 15 picks.  This week, instead of game talk, I will review recent DVDs so that after all the family, turkey and chocolate, you can rent the right movie.  For the record, I may never again discuss ‘game talk’ as it pertains to the Detroit Lions.

Pittsburgh (-9) over ST. LOUIS: Balls of Fury.  If you’ve seen Beerfest, for example, you get the gist of this one.  A previously unexplored sport set in a far off country…this time, it’s your typical revenge/Ping Pong epic starring some weird bodied unknowns and Christopher Walken.  I never laughed out loud, but it wasn’t bad.  Pick St. Louis.  Side question: Auto industry or film/TV industry, who’s had it worse this last decade? 

Dallas (-10.5) over CAROLINA: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  Great special effects.  Better than the book (which was annoying at worst, and anticlimactic at best).  Ever wonder how well Harry would have done with the babes of the wizarding word? Pick Dallas (Carolina had their upset last week).

 NY Giants (-3) BUFFALO: Half Nelson.  I’m watching this and thinking, ‘Is this better than American History X?’  They are very similar films.  Ryan Gosling is great.  I almost forgot, what happened to Edward Norton? Pick Buffalo, why not? Tough foul last night Tony Allen. 

Philadelphia (3) NEW ORLEANS: Superbad.  It is (according to my wife) better than Balls of Fury.  I could have chopped 4 scenes out of it, and tightened it up nicely.  Alas, give Jud Apatow credit, he’s popularizing “Seth” for the first time since the publishing of the Book of Deuteronomy. Pick New Orleans.  Ever wonder how some presidential ‘candidates’ don’t have it in their head to ‘give it up?’ Remember Jesse Jackson? Joe Lieberman? John McCain? These guys are supposed to make the most important decisions for the most important country in the world and yet they can’t read the writing on the wall that states: No chance, save yourself the trouble.

Oakland (13) JACKSONVILLE: Hot Rod.  Initially I thought that it was a little too close to Napoleon Dynamite.  Then the girl next door gets introduced…Pick Jacksonville.  Anyone realize that the Toronto Maple Leafs have never even won a third round play-off series, ever? Ever.

Houston (7) INDIANAPOLIS: Die Hard with a Vengeance.  Is Bruce Willis lucky or good? This Die Hard is great.  Not as good as the first one, but the next best one in the franchise, which begs the question, How high is the bar for the next Indiana Jones movie? Pick Indy.  Why do tv/radio types still say ’stay tuned?’ Are there tvs and radios that still require ‘tuning in?’

Kansas City (4.5) DETROIT: Wild Hogs.  Travolta is unwatchable (again).  I couldn’t finish the movie, and yet it is more productive than watching Detroit destruct.  Pick Detroit.  My dad estimates that by not watching the Lions, he’s been productive for 1,440 total hours (16 games x 3 hours/game x 30 years) each Sunday afternoon.  Oops, 1,443 hours.  They did have that one play-off game.

Cleveland (-3) CINCINNATI: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.  If you’ve had a tougher year than Cleveland sports fans, please step forward.  They are in a conference with some powerhouses, and if you’re looking towards the future, they are behind up and comer Jacksonville.  Pick Cleveland. 

Green Bay (-9) Chicago: Talk To Me.  You must go see this wonderful Drama.  The gravitas during MLK’s immediate passing is moving.  Pick the Pack.  How soon before Urlacher snaps the ball to himself and just runs it alone?

Atlanta (10) Arizona: Hairspray.  As if I would watch that movie.  As if I would watch this game.  Can it get any worse for the the Falcons? In addition to everything that has happened to them, they just lost out on Bill Parcells.  How did they screw that up? The Falcons were swindled by a team that JUST won its first game of the season.  Unbelievable.

Tampa Bay (-6) SAN FRAN: Mr. Brooks.  Costner is creepy.  At least it has nothing to do with baseball.  Can we call this a revenge game for Jeff Garcia? Nah.  Pick the Bay.

Miami (-21.5) NEW ENGLAND: Ocean’s 13.  Not as good as 11, but better than 12.  No more champagne for Shula.  Pick NE.  How much would ya bet that Massachusetts sports fans would love to replace NHL hockey as one of the four major sports with ‘Matt Damon Box Office Success?’  They would be nearly invincible.

Baltimurderers / SEATTLE (Line not available): Black Sheep.  Not THAT Black Sheep, but a Horror movie with the same title as the last good Farley movie.  How does that happen? I was hoping for an anniversary DVD with loads of extras, instead, it is a low budget slasher flick involving the devil of the animal kingdom: sheep.  I assume that they produce haunted wool.  Pick Seattle.  This begs the question, where is the next fat funny movie star? I saw Barbershop 2, and it may be Queen Latifah.

Jets (9) TENNESSEE: The Nanny Diaries.  I enjoyed it, though in most men’s minds, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t wear those types of underwear.  It is another (The Devil Wears Prada) of these examinations of New York women, and how crazy they are.  Paul Giamatti stars as a guy you never picked to be on your team in gym class. Pick Titans. 

Washington (6.5) MINNESOTA: The Simpsons Movie.  Most agree that this movie is really just a longer episode…and about a decade overdue.  Pick Minnesota at home in the dome.

Denver (9) SAN DIEGO: Bourne Ultimatum.  Last game, last in the trilogy.  The gross domestic totals for Damon movies is only slightly higher than offensive totals that the Chargers ran up on the Lions last week.  Pick SD.

Again, these are view film viewing pleasure, not gambling purposes.  Have a Merry Christmas everyone, and a Happy New Year!